Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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