He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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