Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The air taste purple.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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