I think my fart just growled at me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
