i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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