How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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