I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
