that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
