Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
