I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
