The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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