It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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