The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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