sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
