I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
