the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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