im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
