Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
