I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
