i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
