Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
