We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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