This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
