I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize