u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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