alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
