toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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