why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
