I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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