I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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