haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
