so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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