I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we're so committed to being not committed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
