either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
