Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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