come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
