Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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