Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize