Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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