i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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