Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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