I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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