Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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