Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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