So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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