There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
