My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize