Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
