you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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