Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
