I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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