So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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