I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
