does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
