@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
