Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
