so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
