i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize